Black Hawk Down.

Pang:Ps its very dark ah, I am not gonna hug the bend.
Marc:No no. Just go just do.

240205 2050hrs

We were at the BDC training shed, talking cock with ah Goh and OC sir. The man were in a hustle, impatient, waiting for their turn to go.Platoon 11 have left for their night battle course. The rest were just waiting. A safety rover sat silent at the back of the training shed.And then...

Any station 39 this is 33 vehicle overturn
Any station 39 this is 33 vehicle overturn

Lt ZX voice was a blur murmur coming from the speakers. His voice calm, yet carrying an all urgent tone. I turned and saw ah Goh and OC rushing for the rover screaming for the driver.

All fell silent in the shed. Every single one in there knew something happen but suspense filled the air. The only thing we knew came through the radio. It didn't occur to me that it was my vehicle.

I went straight for a manpack set as the rover dashed off along the battlecourse route. Its the same thing I hear

Any station 39 this is 33 vehicle overturn vehicle overturn
It sounded sickly familiar. Just like how the C2 birds reported in to JOC that a black hawk has been shot.
Its the Alpha vehicle. 33A. Pang is on it. I guess I do not need to describe what happens when a BX turns turtle. And at that very instance, I remember how I told Pang to come back alive before he set off for the day battle course. Then I was trying to mimic an ops situation, cos the plt battle course did have this ops feeling to it. All I was trying to do was to add an element of tension and thrill to it. Yet at the very back of my mind, I knew the ever present danger of armour training.Just that it was never that real to me.
240205 2055 hrs I did not know if my friend was dead or alive.

39, anybody injured.
33, nobody is injured.
33, I am now 20 east of Julia open patch.

And today I thought about that night. About how I felt when I hear Lt ZX voice over the radio. Trying to figure out what happened.I felt my hair stand on ends.You really never know when you will just go. Without a word of goodbye. I remember what my primary school teacher said. Everytime when you said goodbye, it may mean bye bye forever. And come to think of it. Those few days I was having this very bad feeling. Good thing I averted it. But then, I was this close to losing a friend on that thursday night.Learn to cherish every moment of life. And everyone around you.

This week is just so eventful. From giving up on my man and listening to Pang and Wong tell me not to. To, hearing Pang tell me that he has given up on his man-also. To, realising that my PC is haiz useless. To to to so many so many things.

Basically, both Pang and me are trying hard to remind ourselves that we are just NSFs. Why be so concerned about this and that. Had Sect prof test last wed. And I thought ZX was damn sia lan. Look at the way he talk to ask as if we owe him something. And pang was saying, all this stupid people really don't know how to think. He had given up hope on them as well. After the plt battle course on thurs, I think if any of the PC try to boss around and further, I think I will give some payback during ATEC.

Gosh. Lt BC totally don't know what he is doing. I knew all along I don't really respect him as a person. Yet, I respected him for his rank, for his extra knowledge and ability to lead a platoon to fight. For having been through much tougher training then I have.This all went down the drain on wed. At one point, my PS was asking me in a rather confused voice. How come PC park his vehicle in the open. And OC sort of commented on him prempting the split RPG. Thats ok. He went on to jam the radio with his er...er...er...I am now along brownie.

Gosh, we were on Volvo. It simply shows that he didn't do any map study before it. So much for preparing oneself huh?As a PC.Maybe its really quite long since he commissioned. Been half a year.

Then there was this platoon mounted assault when he went to the wrong side. And the Bravo vehicle nearly went up his ass. I remember seeing him point point point indicating that Kumar should be on the other side. HAHA. very funny ya. And OC said: BC do again the platoon assault is F*** up. I could hear that he is beginning to sound pissed. And he questioned BC if he went to clear the 2 trenches on the right side. Apparently he didn't. Cos he said he didn't saw it. So OC ask him if her cleared the trenches and he said he is not sure.

You not sure?
er...er...
Did you clear the trenches. I want a comfirmation answer.
er...I supposs so.
In war there is no supposs

And then OC almost screwed him cos he tried to outflank a bridge while enemy is raining down arty. OC was so pissed he declared him down immediately. What a joke. It was feeling all great when we moved out from the admin area.
Rodeo Rodeo
I waved the blue white flag as we column out of the admin area. Rounds all load and ready. VPs going through the radio. All cool. Felt really exciting and fun. But as I went through it, I began to wonder why I am wasting my time doing it with someone incapable. Sad sia.

Stayed up till 3 o clock last night playing ghost recon 2 in the man's restroom. Was too late and so I didn't feel like booking out. Have been doing vehicle maintainence the whole day. And I was all dirty and smelly. Ok. Don't digress. Its really nice to suddenly hear my phone beep beep and see 888888. Haha.All the just popping by to say hihi. Filling me in on what she is doing. It always felt great and I hope it will always be this way. That day I woke up early like 4am to prep. Saw 5 new sms and though it must be my mom who have been calling all night. Imagine how I felt like I haven't woke up and was still dreaming to see my phone flooded with her telling me about how its snowing. Guess she once said I brought her out of a world of fairy tales into reality. Now i feel I am sinking into dream world. but then. whatever la.

What I am to you
is what matters for you.
What matters for me
is what you are to me.

I think this is a good reminder isn't it.Wao. What a week. I had so much so much to write. I wanted to descirbe how cool it is to see the BXs really disappear into the black of the night. just 20m away from me. I wanted to descirbe how I fell into a stone and sian mood when I know she is happily throwing snow balls when I am cleaning an M16 bolt. But whatever. It was a terrific week. Went out with my 2 brothers today and spent quite alot of money. Bleah. Mostly on a phone cos my 8250 spoilt after i dropped it.Then it was `raining~ all the way back home and I rushed to come online. Wao. Life is great isn't it. Meaningful. Happy. But it can be all dull and sad and all that. It really all depends on how you see it. Trust me.

démoralisé

I just said something I never thought I would say. Nick pang was telling me alot of my man are sleeping instead of cleaning arms. Nothing amazing, but something I seldom see when I am around. Swear in the name of Kelvin.

"Eh alot of your platoon man are sleeping"
"Care for what, why should I care about them. They are not worth me caring for them"

I said this infront of a few of nick pang's man and I guess I saw a few stunned looks. True. I am stunned as well.Its not like me. Scroll down and see whats the last sentence of my last entry. Neh. A series of events have made big changes to how I am view NS.

This morning, while still hot in my enthusiasm to take over SC role and bring my man for urban ops revision training. Yong seng said in a half joking half expecting manner for me to take 4 groups while he and sebe each share half. Of course I won't respond strongly to that. Not too long after, one of my man said something that really struck me.

"Sgt, you finally wake up, you finally learnt to be like the other sgt like that already. Afterall also serve 2 years, care so much for what."

I say again, that statement struck me. And I know full well that it is the weakness of my will to serve in true professionalism that allowed me to fall for this. I was disappointed, sad and demoralised. I spent some time thinking about this after and tried to talk to my section while sitting under a tree to la liang. I figured that what really disappointed me was that the man are as uninterested as the commanders. I have know since the very start that some of the commanders are totally bo hui. But i chose to stick to the principle of doing my part, fulfilling my duty and not giving a wooden nickle to what they think about me. After what my man said, I realised its in all my stupidity that i actually thought that my man are better in terms of attitude. I wonder when that thought ever sink into me. TO think that my man are more interested in Ns than the slack specs. Fuck me. I must have been nuts.Excuse the language please.Thats why I am disappointed.
Someone once told me. Everyone is like that, why should you care. And I always responded with this:what others think or do doesn't concern me. I believe in what I am doing. Thats why. Yet such words are those of an idealist. SOmething that won't work in reality. Its near impossible to even do your job properly. Even if you are all strong in your will and self believe, being different in attitude only puts you in a bad light because no one recognises the value of you being different. The minority who do have no influence.
Am I wrong? Through SOA 21 weeks. In unit probably 15 weeks and counting. I have met bastards after bastards suaning me and almost ostrocising me because I am different. Eh fuck. I am me.Simply because you are a fuck and you dare to express your fucked up attitude through oppresive means doesn't mean that I will give a damn about what you think.
Come on guys, You see the difference? Mechanise me and analyse this.Even if my mindset is unshaken, I am unable to function. I wish to explain this no more. I guess the mediocre will see crap in what I just said. I hope someone understands.
And yes, I know that letting my emotions interfere with the way I am handling things right now is simply a sign that I have no professionalism in my job; that I have no will to stand up for my own course in the face of strong opposition.And for the whole day, and I guess for days to come, they can expect to see no spec there for them when they need help. They can forget about me fighting for them. I dare say this in the face of kelvin knows what number of readers. I tried my best in fighting for them all along, and I did fight for them many times. I did give them the greatest of care in the most subtle ways, knowing that few will recognise it. Now i think about all this. I guess it no longer matters.
TOday I finally understood why one of my sgt once told me, there is no such thing as loyalty to country this days. Great. I knew but I did not understand. The day when there is a need to fight. I will fight for my friends family and loved ones.
And my man asked me, Sgt you ever thought of signing on, I said yes, but definitely not with the SAF. And for a clear view of things, who knows, many the police force is like that as well. AM i sure of my career? Yet it seems that the working sector is all different, because people will be fighting and backstabbing each other to make themself stand out. Its all so different. Guess I need time to think through all this.
Haiz, I never felt quite this bad before. NS sucks. Not because you chiong. But because a large part of the force couldn't give a fuck about it.Ns sucks.I guess they need to see some combat to wake up their idea.
Haiz, dear girl how you doing?

Pride

Suddenly felt very proud that I am an armour spec. To be in the armour formation. To wear the black beret. Now i understand why Marc Yong once said armour is the decisive force, that its the main punching force. They navy nor the airforce alone cannot fight a war simply because they cannot takeover land. In the army, guards infantry arty nor the combat engine have the ability to fight alone. But a war can be won purely with armour. Yes though it would be very very difficult in the present combined arms context. But we are talking about possibility vs impossibility. Think of it, I am a Knight.With Pride.
Spent the large part of the day sleeping and cooking up some ecret ideas I am not gonna share here. Haha. Thank you siow ween. Then saw janice only talked with her for qutie some time, haven't been so personal in terms of conversation with her for a long time. And I realized, although she is still abit cold cold one, it is really quite interesting to talk with her. Afterall, I think other than my mother, she is the only one who can make me Pek Chek. Ha. Indeed nice to have her around. Introduced her to my blog too. Hope she will be reading. Really really need to catch up with her. Lets go out someday when you free ok?
Wah, thinking of next week, its gonna be another siong one. I wonder why the man complain so much.

Oh no, I think what I wrote in chinese on msn yesterday to sq yesterday abit too mushy already. *shiver shiver* now I hope she didn't get it.*Pray pray*

OK, ready to book in. Go back watch Black Hawk Down. Then ready to fight again. Yeah!!! I love NS.

SLap head.

Basically, if you look closely at the date and time, this is only hours after my previous entry. Right now, I think i should bang my head against the wall cos its pretty damn useless. Something dumb just happened. This is it.

Tried to ask for her address so that I can send something. End up, she claimed she gave before and said 'You also won't send things anyway'. =p

Sounds like oh no to me.Point here to note. I didn't read you wrongly. Just that if I spell things out, its not gonna be fun. You will just say bleah. So i tried to salvage abit, making one times big mistake, remembering the wrong month of her bday. OK. Thats it for you Kelvin.Arrrrgggggggg. I am screaming off at my sheer dumbness and at the same time smiling relentlessly.Why? Its like strawberry ice cream.Can just imagine the look on her face as she slams down the BBBBBBB on her key board. Zou zhe de mei tou. Saying"Kelvin I am not gonna talk to you anymore" haha. Haven't seen her sa jiao for a long time. Think she will be grrping down her lunch, biting her spoon so tightly like an angry xiao mei mei, thinking of how to make me feel bad.

And so, I just wrote in pure lousy chinese a short letter of my feelings. hope she got it.Hope thats not a mistake as well.

Point of information.

Who say i am a loser in relationships? I have a good bunch of friends. Haha. And yes, I just spent one good day with a bunch of good friends.
Been a long long week. Seem as if monday was way back. A truly interesting and eventful week I would say. SO much learnt and experiences. But I am too busy to blog, so i forgot most of the things I would like to add here. Plus, my right middle finger hurts a little because I have got a good cut on it after yesterday's battle course.Lets backtrack.

He walked down the garden alone,solemly, almost humble. Blue top, khakhi pants. Stud and sturdy in built. Around him, children's giggled as they played. An old man slowly walk pass him. Can you imagine the scene of a bright and sunny saturday morning.He reminded me of Ryan. Who knows what he is thinking. In his mind, his wife? Work? Or the harsh realities of life he saw in East Timor. What impression will you form of him if you, a stranger, walked pass him.You know nothing of him. Nothing of what he has gone through. Nuts about his ability. All you can see, is him-quiet.
Behind me, his man cursed him. To them, he is a bastard. A bastard who does things for their good. A commander who goes down very harshly on them to make them soldiers. They all know this. Yet, they curse and swear. Its not a question of why the man do this. The question is, why is he doing all that he had done. Why risk his life in Timor Leste? He has got a wife here. Why make himself a bastard? He will still get the same old pay by smoking out-huilan.
I guess its got nothing to do with what you see on SAF Adverts. Its not for honour and glory. Not for country. Not for fame nor fortune. Not to earn himself respect. Its something very close to heart. Its for personal fulfilment. He does it because he likes it. He enjoys it. It adds meaning to his life.
That might not be what drives him. Because it is my own reason. Its what drives me. Yet I feel I am not up to it. Unlike what one might think, it is very difficult to take initiative and fulfil your responsibilities when people all around simply can't give a damn. They chose to shrink their circle of responsibilities. I did not expand mine. And there are two kinds of people to this. One will keep quiet and let you do what you deem fit. The other type would say:Don't be extra.

~What the F.~

Regulars. Some are ok. Some simply have got no aptitude for army at all. I wonder why they sign on. Wonder why they don't get kicked away.To this kind of people, I have only one thing to say:Eh if you are not up to it, thats your problem. If you don't wanna be responsible, don't be a commander. Son't expect me to downgrade myself to let you stand out as a regular.You want to tell me what to do? Neh!

Haiz. So tired now. Been having rather little sleep.Monday morning COS. Remember I promised to make my man do area cleaning on V day? Ya. I almost sign 3 because area cleaning not up to RSM standard. Heng never kanna. At night, went out with a bunch of singles. Haha. Went to Pub, then decided not to book in. Stayed over at a friend's house and only went back on the next morning.
Wed Soc, didn't really had the motivation to run. IN the end. Fail until jialat jialat because never put in effort. Haha. Most of us failed. While the man laughed at some of the commanders, they were rather shocked i failed and encouraged me. Thats the f ing difference.
Suddenly don't feel like blogging.

Bllrrrrr...also don't know how that xiao mei mei is doing in UK. Only know she stressed and tired. Can't really paint a picture of her life. But i guess she can make one out of my blogging. Hey.Interesting.Actually, I also very very tired. Later go play black gold then write again at night. Haha.

Been quite up with this blogging thing. In fact, it isn't anything new to me. Used to have open diary. But sometimes, things change as times goes by. These days, writing just feels different. Instead of blogging last night, I decided to read through my blog entries for the past month. As I read, it seemed like such a long time have passed. But its actually only 44 days into the new year. So much has happened since the start and to be frank the new year didn't really start off well. BUt nontheless, I must admit that i learnt alot through this short period of time.

~Why is the learning process always one step behind mistakes~

Tomorrow is V day. Meaning, alot of people are on leave and it should be one times slack day. Hope can have nights off then go out relax relax. Hmm. What did you do on V day one year back? Do you still remember. IN my memory, I was at Pulau Tekong range doing my BTP basic train fire package. No no. Thats the day before. Meaning, 365 days back I was cleaning arms and doing one times jialat jialat area cleaning. Heh Heh. I gotta make my man do that tomorrow.
And on V day I remember going out with dear friend janice. I must say that in my recent realisation of how I have been quite a bastard to sierra quebec that I realise Janice is yet another person whom I failed to appreciate. She too endure alot of shit from me.Hmmm Why is it that I am always giving such nice people hell lot of shit.Haiz. See why i say learning is always one step slow? Last year, I went out with her on the day after V day and demostrate one times negative example of being unappreciative. And it is a perfect negative example.And so, tomorrow I shall do something which I think is nice. I gonna call her and thank her. For being around.

If I can ling hun chu qiao. I will look at kelvin and say.
"Eh, I think its time you WAKE UP. DO you realise how much stupid things you have done. You know how many times i should have just give you one tight slap for saying stupid things? You better sort this out before I sort you out."
Then I will slap Kelvin.

*shake*shake*
Haiz.

Seriously, I wonder why on earth these people whom I have failed to appreciate never give me one times jialat jialat. Am i truly blessed.Hmm...

OK. Lets talk a little about today before I go out. Wake up at 0800hrs to play game. Sq replied my nite msg so I thought she online. SO went to check out. But she not so I went off to play game as planned. If I talk about the same game again and try to describe how I whopped the enemy with....okok enough....I think people will soon start to boycott my blog. Then went out to watch movie with my 2 good brothers. Today orchard is flooded with couples. Maybe thats why someone is so damn sian. EH come on SOldier. Nvm. As usual, prankster in me thought of a good plan. You know V day always got alot of chio bu going around looking all pretty trying to sell flowers. If ever one approach me to buy flowers, This will be a good scene for an ALFIE stlye movie.

"I'll only buy the last rose you have"
*Sit around till she sells all but the last rose*
"As promise, I shall buy the last rose,, this is for you"

OKok, its time to get back to reality. Guojun somehow connected his present situation to mahjong. Think he play too much. He claims he is now in a ting pai state, waiting for the last time to HU. Then he said all 3 of us are waiting to hu, IE ting pai. But I bet to differ. I think I have got 13 yao with me minus the last tile to hu. So, I feng pai and try to change every single tile and see what happens.

OK, being serious, I know that I have been affected lately. Thing is I don't wanna talk about it. For a reason. More of missing rather than anything else. Like i always say, I think I already have all I could ask for. BUt its human nature to yearn for what the heart desires. BUt then, I am constantly reminding myself that I am already very lucky and I should not ask for more. That was something I was trying to tell wong.

~Be happy with what we have.~

Arrrggg.

"39 this 33, contact tank wait out"
"All stations 33 this 33 short halt!"

To his left, 2 bradleys burst in flames. One already overturned.

"Identified on fire!Target, advance"

Sand blowing right in his face. All around, shells slam the ground. One missed by a mere metre, the impact almost overturning his vehicle. Admist the confusion of combat, he saw the enemy tank divert fire to the right entrace of the valley. Friendly have arrived just in time. The PCs' face turned white. He had just lost his cub and alpha vehicle. They were no match for the MBTs. The M1A1s brought hope. Maybe, just maybe, he will be live to collect the remains of his man. The radio going through his CVC no longer made sense. The events all around seem to slow to a swirl. He felt a sudden flood of warmth down his legs. His pants were all wet.

"Sir!Sir!"

Shellshocked!

All was in favour of victory. We held all three junctions in the defense line. One platoon to each. The terrain provided a strategic natural line of defense, allowing rapid lateral transfer of forces. Inaddition, we far outnumbered them.

Major, according to your reports, the third platoon fell at 0830 hrs. They recieved heavy mortar fire and you immediately called for them to retreat at 0825. At the same time, you called for air support. What were you trying to do? Major.

I was trying to buy time. Buy time for the 3rd platoon to fall back to the security area.

Fall back?

Sir yes sir.

Major, did it occur to you that by authorising your forces to fall back from the IDL, you are directly jeopardising the lives of your forces holding the other junctions. You should know better that your actions opened a path for the enemy to conduct a massive flanking on your entire defense forces.

Yes sir.

Admist all the strategic advantage that i had, I made a mistake in command. I am responsible for the lives lost. What a relief its only a game. Damn, I haven't lost in such a long time. Suffered 1X major defeat. Arrgggg. An emotionally clouded mind is a mind incapable of decisive actions.

Bored bored. I haven't caught any of the movie that i was hoping to catch. Hmm. Somehow i am beginning to lose interest in the movies already. Wong's plight dawn quite harsly on me. And from past experience, I have learnt that one's heartbreak often leads others to emotional unheavels which somehow somehow leads to stupid simlar actions. Stay cool. Good thing for me is that I know what I want for the Present. I already have all that I can ask for. In no position to ask for more. Who ask me to be such a bastard. For now, getting more than i already have will come as a gift.

Analogy: I only deserve this much. Been given more than I deserve. To get more, is a gift.

Have been kind of off track lately. Its about time I get back to serious stuff. Thats inaddition to focusing on army. Gotta put in more effort in securing my future. To be frank. I am indeed feeling a little lost. Used to know how to achieve what I want and gone step by step. And until now, I must say that I have never failed to achieve the goals i set for myself. And hence my future is no exception. Simply need some time to get myself focused.

~The differnce between a dreamer and a doer is affirmative actions~

孤单北半球

用我的晚安陪你吃早餐记得把想念存进扑满我望着满天星在闪听牛郎对织女说要勇敢别怕我们在地球的两端看我的问候骑着魔毯飞用光速飞到你面前要你能看到十字星有北极星作伴少了我的手臂当枕头你习不习惯你的望远望不到我北半球的孤单太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转我会耐心地等随时欢迎你靠岸少了我的怀抱当暖炉你习不习惯e给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单世界再大两颗真心就能互相取暖想念不会偷懒我的梦通通给你保管

1 X power song.Let the mind make sense out of it. Just suddenly thought of dedicating this song to someone overseas. Its an honour.

Saw wong in a sad light today. Come on. Its time for everyone to move on in life.

Somehow today, I am ot in the mood to blog. Nothing interesting that I wish to talk about at all. Though my day was quiet interesting. Somehow jan always online and busy. Can't talk with her. Suck thumb? Thats something we learn through the past one year. Haiz. Its time to go into my humble retreat.

Air support is 30 seconds late. The pair of Russian Hind-D took out the power supply at the top of the southern knoll. Pillbox down. All of a sudden, the crew felt all alone in their M1A1 Abram.Intel indicates massive enemy armour movement towards the knoll. The lone tank retreats to the western side. The first line of defense is down. All there is left is a few AT mines at the turning on top. The crew knew it won't last. To the Northwest, 2 friendly AH64s took out the Hind-Ds in no time with their hellfire missles. But its all too late. The hills been captured.

"Mayday! Mayday!"

The pilots scream. Their desperate cries echoed through the radio, reminding the crew of their own fate. "Taking fire!39 this 34, Request for backup now!"

"39 this 32, permission to engage."

"39, positive"

"32, wilco wilco"

The 3 bradleys, 2nd platoon, gets into combat mode as they rush eastwards. Half a mile ahead, they witness their battle buddy blow up in flames. The sharpnels flying in all directions like desperate souls.

"32 this 39 have you got visual on 34"
"Say again 32 this 39 have you got visual on 34"

All is silent. A tactical mistake? Or could it have been all different if the Apaches were there. Wrong deployment? There was defense in depth, the forces were flexible. Bradleys responded on time. What went wrong?

That sums up the best part of my day. Spent an hour or so play WW3:Black Gold. One of the most realistic modern world strategy game I ever played. Was trying to practice some armour tactics. But then, heh...i guess i need some fine tuning. Nevermind, anyway i got my fun out of learning? Gosh...does that make sense. Whatever.

Halfway through the game and I was made to go to Chun Dao He Pan. For the uninformed, its this yearly bazaar-like event held near esplanade. Trust me, its not worth going. Traffic is already a killer so if ever you decide to go against my advice, at least take public transport. How did I end up there? We were forced to. Because mom says "Sister wants to go". Come on. She didn't.

My mom almost drove me crazy. Doing things I cannot explain with a logical mind. Its a mixture of anger, laughter and desperate cries. Ok my english ain't good. Simply speaking. Pek Chek. Wah now i think about it want to peng already. Sometimes I wonder why she always use my youngest sister as a subject to voice out what she wants. Or does she truly mean well for my sis. Fulfilling my sister's childhood; or fulfilling her wish to see my sister enjoy what she Ought to. Come on, this isn't real at all.

Next half of my day involves something I do not wish to talk about here so I should just skip this. Bleah.........I wish I could eat darkchocolate and strawberry ice cream now. Anyone knows what they taste like together? Hmm. I can taste it without eating it at all. Tat!

Anyway, my weekend should be kicking off tomorrow morning. Gonna eat breakfast with my good brother then watch movie. Got some friends coming over tomorrow night. SHould add up to a happening day if all goes well. Wonder how long this kind of days will last, when even ah wong goes overseas to study. Damn, why is it like a standard kind of thing for some people to study abroad and yet it feels like a challenge for me to get a scholarshup. Haiz sucks.

Arrgg. I am feeling tired already. Before I sleep I must conquere the North-West enemy base. SO alios.

The happiness inside

I am not quite sure if you are aware of the movie 'The sea inside'. I wrote about it some weeks back. But..yeah for the uninitiated...its about this quadriphlegic fight for euthanasia.This man roams the white sandy beach purely through his imagination. We can do that too. All we need is to make reality out of our own imagination. It brings me back to some theory of reality i wrote before but thats not the point here. This few days, I have been thinking alot and to give it a more emotional touch, I put myself through hypothetical situations. Imaginary realities. Such brings both sadness and happiness. But above all, it brings me close to my heart so I could see what it truly wants.

I used to know what the megalomania in me wants. Used to think that I am whole, complete. But I failed to recognise that much as I claim I am inhuman, neglecting the human side in me has inevitably caused me to neglect the people around me. Over time, this has added up to a legacy worthy of guilt. But its all about learning from mistakes isn't it?Yes, thats one of the biggest reason why i am feeling happy. Because I found happiness through imagination. Thats if you can see how it worked for me.Imagination, situations, realisation and happiness. Does that make sense to you? Well it sure does for me.

ANyway, its chinese new year. Haha. And ..yawn...I am tired. Feels much much more like a long weekend to me, tough days ahead. Training schedule is always pack. Want to find time to take leave also cannot. Haiz. Mine mine. What lies ahead in the year to come. Wonder why it suddenly feels like I am losing control in paving my own future.

Xing Dong

So nice so nice to hear from someone especially when you have been waiting. Past few days, I can't remember the number of times I felt like crying. OUt of guilt, sorrow, regret, sweetness, gratefulness. Out of emotions. I guess i was not wrong when I said the rain brought emotions into my realm.
I have said so much in my past few entries. Words I never thought I would have said. But somehow I did. I felt I almost lost you. I don't wanna ever lose you, have you out of my life. It is through my attempts to exclude you that I realise I couldn't live without you.

~Only when you begin to lose someone, do you realise all the small things the person have done for you~

I remember saying that I will be nice, saying that you are important, saying that I appreciate you. But I never understood that such are feelings. I never felt that. I said.

It is through me harshess and lack of consideration that I truly understood what it means to be nice to you. The feeling of almost losing you exposed your importance to me. Seeing the small instances of how I failed to appreciate you taught me what it means to appreciate you. I don't want it this way. And I don't ever want you to feel that you have lost me. Don't do that for me like you said. You don't have to do anything. Because you are the most beautiful thing I ever had. You showed me what I never saw. Your presence is already all the love that I can ever wish for.

I never asked for anything.

Yet you were my everything.

What more could I possibily ask of you.

I thank you for you, for everything.

Freeze

Let time freeze. Rotate it 180 degrees and see it the other way around. It refering to life. Think about it. Reflect. How have you been the past 24hrs. The past 365 days. Your lifetime.
Something struck me last night and moved me almost to tears as I dwelled deeper and deeper into it. I am touched. When was the last time I expressed appreciation. If there is a mirror that will reflect the slightest guilt. I will not dare look upon it. No, i have committed no hedious crime. In plain simple english, I see a ME who failed to appreciate.

"I am sorry. The past year, I probably put you through a lot of shit. Landed you in weird situations that probably caused you much sorrow, stress? Who knows. For all this, you never said a word. I wondered if you ever had to endure all this. I know I seldom keep my promise. But for you, this once, I will change."

This words I sent in text a thousand miles. I felt my eye muscles tighten and tears flooding in. Unappreciative? An understatement.Yet another promise? ANother to break. Who am I to deserve your trust once more. I claimed I will be with you always, yet i ran away in cowardice the moment next.

"You took me for granted"

A fools lie.

"I took you for granted"

When was the last time I did something nice? When was the last time I showed appreciation?
Through all this shit I am putting you through, let me ask. Why are you still here for me.Love? Do I deserve such an angel as you are?

~I know you can hear my voice~

Thats why I am touched. Because I feel your love.It feels like nothing. Just like how we love our parents our siblings. Its pure. There is no excitement, no heart pounding moments. Just love so innate you don't feel anything at all. It feels all natural, all normal when you are side by side. But when you lose the person, you feel such grave lost.
This we always mistake for "no feeling", IS the purest form of love people seldom recognise.Because its so subtle it feels like it isn't there.This isn't philosophy. Just a revelation. In crude words, its when i wake up my idea. How could I.

I cared only for how I will feel
You cared for my feelings

It shouldn't be this way.I ain't even talking about sacrifices. It just plain acts of a gentlemen that I fail to find in myself.So what if I do feel hurt in the end. I am already hurting you. What am I? A cursed soul?

In plain words, I call myself a loser in relations.

"...my best friend"
no don't call me that.
Best friends never last.
They never do.
I don't feel I deserve it.

Sometimes, I feel I think far too much. I guess it time I start feeling and stop thinking.Like how things were.Go back in time. When there was much more joy and laughters. Circumstances have changed. But the plain fact that you are still around with such love? It proved that feelings can brave circumstances.

~I wish it would rain for nights on end~

Sunday morning lets us wear our dreams

Its 0704 sunday morning. Yes, amazed that I am awake when everyone is still midway in their dreams. But me, I fell asleep at around 10 last night. Too tired. And so i woke up, trying to see if it was raining. But there was no rain.

"Am I beginning to regret?"

"Don't"

Just what am I up to? I have no idea at all. Am I such a coward? Maybe. And all the words about "I love myself" is just a pretendence. To glorify my cowardice as strength. I am simply afraid of getting hurt. Possibility vs reality. And in the process, I unknowingly bring rain to a whimper. Now i see myself a weakling. My heart tremoring within my egosphere when it rains. And I chose to hide and stay away. I used to enjoy the rain. It was part of me. I was in touch with it. I needed it as always. My presence add warmth to it. Brought meaning?But because the rain is still just a rain. I read it not. I wispered...

"Importance"

...and heard the same thing in return. And I took it as a echo. Or was it true? Or am i shroud full of cowardice I dare not hear the truth?

I promised I would be there always. Soon as i said it, I ran away in fear.Crying Me Myself and I. Then the rain was soft. It was a drizzle. Was it whimpering? Did I cause it? And the rain said it would stop if it were better for me. And now i am a lost soul. Because I want to know its there. I desire to be with it.To be drenched in its warmness. Yet I fear the cold that is to come. Now i see it... ...

"Am i undeserving of such friendship"

Blackday

yawn...ain't getting much sleep lately. Had only about 5 hours of sleep per day for the past week. Never really felt this tired before, even when i was a trainee. Being DS for one whole week sure drained the life out of me. Worst still, its one week of tough training for the man, and one hell of a stressful start for the commanders.Yet, despite all the backpain and tired bones, I must say that the past week was extremely meaningful in terms of learning.Just like when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. When the training gets tough and the man gets tired, command and leadership becomes a challenge.
Spent the entire day sleeping. Used to see this as a total waste of time and life, but somehow I just allowed myself to let loose and relax all i can and for all i care....i must admit sleeping only makes one more tired...as i am now. Watched finding neverland and found some meaning in the movie. Maybe I am really tired, thats why i slept through some parts. Well...afterall its a movie for entertainment, nothing much gotten out of it. Unlike the past 2 movies i watch which were...beyond greatness.
And so I thought back about how the week started. Wacking the man on monday afternoon. Being shouted back at. Issuing the man one times great challenged. While they challenged my decision, I gave in an counter challenged their mindset. And guess what? I won. Probably set them in a mood to see that i am a very different kind of commander. Some ego here but thats not the intention.

"I know some of you are unhappy. We will talk about it later. Man to man."

~Silence~

And then there was all the section drills, when the man began to understand what AI is all about. The camo drill, the assualt techniques, the prep for ops. And i saw myself as one of them, not too long ago. Learning the very same thing i am teaching them now. And it makes me wonder. Progress? Something to think about. Going through the same shit they are going through and i mean every single form of shit. I hope they appreciate it and see it as a form of leadership with sensitivity rather then something expected of us.

"Sgt. Why you so garang. I buay gan. Why why sob.."

Haha

So much so much to share. Bits and pieces of my everyday life. Talking about all this small things get people connected with each other in heart. And now i am talking to someone i valued. Whom i once shared my life with. Yet, I am unwilling to open up. Unwilling to talk about my life. Trying to keep the distance. For what purpose? I do not know too. But somehow i don't feel comfortable otherwise. Afraid of disappointment maybe? In a deep sense yes. Its hard to express and even harder to comprehend. Will I regret if this bond breaks someday?